Good morning - and what a morning it is. It's only the return of the Premier League. Big thanks to tennis, cricket and golf for filling the football-shaped holes in our hearts but you can go back to being inferior sports now. We jest. Still, it's brilliant to have top-flight football back for the next nine months - and we've got a fantastic fixture to commemorate its return as Manchester United host Spurs at Old Trafford!

I'm Shane and I'll be taking you through all the action from the Theatre of Dreams as the Red Devils look to avoid the nightmare start they endured this time last year against Swansea City. We've got a good two hours to kill before kickoff - and one hour until the teams are released - so link my arm as we stroll down memory lane. Link it! Good. Let's go.

Cast your minds back 12 months ago and you'll remember - unless you're a United fan, in which case you probably blocked it out - Swansea turning up to Old Trafford in the first game of the 2014-15 campaign and leaving with a 2-1 win! Bear in mind that manager Louis van Gaal had spent somewhere in the region of £700m in the months leading up to that. *may not be an accurate figure*

Unfortunately for them, that defeat appeared to have a knock-on effect as Van Gaal's side picked up just FIVE points from a possible 15 in the early weeks of the season. It was a run of form that left their ambitious title hopes about as dead as Cecil the Lion. Never forget. United's Premier League hopes were so dead that Jimmy Kimmel cried about it on air shortly after that 5-3 defeat at Leicester.

See the importance of winning an opening-day fixture? It could set the tone for their early-season form, which in turn can determine the destination of where the Premier League title goes. Losing isn't an option this afternoon - and especially not after spending another £82m to make it £782m in the space of about 14 months. *may not be an accurate total figure*.

Memphis Depay. Matteo Darmian. Bastian Schweinsteiger. Morgan Schneiderlin. There's £82m worth of talent here and, simply put, the Red Devils have to challenge for the title this season. It's that simple. They achieved a top-four finish last term - although their Champions League participation is still to be decided as they must reach the group stages via the playoffs - but they simply need to kick on. No excuses.

It's entirely possible that their spending will exceed the £100m mark for the second summer in succession. Why? Because, well, they could do with a striker.

They opted against taking up the option to permanently sign Radamel Falcao - probably because he only scored four goals last season - before also losing Robin van Persie to Fenerbache. As it stands, Wayne Rooney is their only recognised and established striker. We're not counting Javier Hernandez because he is more than likely heading for the exit door too. And because he isn't very good any longer.

It's worth noting that Van Gaal also has the services of James Wilson at his disposal, but it remains to be seen if the young striker, 19, is another Rooney or another Federico Macheda. Remember him? I believe he's at Cardiff City now. Yep, United are definitely signing a striker. But who will it be?

Harry Kane has been linked. So has Edinson Cavani. But much of the recent speculation seems to be centered around Barcelona ace Pedro, who is poised to leave Camp Nou this season after struggling for game time by virtue of the fact that Lionel Messi, Luis Suarez and Neymar are a bit good. Just a bit.

Speculation is rife that the 28-year-old - who plays a wide role for the Catalans - will seal a £22m move to Old Trafford shortly, but is he the answer to their striking problems? Time will tell I suppose. Pedro doesn't strike me as a classic number nine. You?

Before we have a look at Spurs let's have a look at the transfer saga that has gone on longer than one of Arsene Wenger's puffer coats: David de Gea's proposed move to Real Madrid.

If you're tuning into discover whether or not De Gea will start then I think I can save you some time by confirming that he will not be start. But stick around anyway. He has been dropped like a bad habit. He has been dropped like the type of routine catches he used to fumble back way back when.

Don't believe me? Here's Van Gaal confirming the snub: "David shall not play so I don't have any concerns [about him not being ready. I think about the human being more than the player and I don't think he can handle that." Hate to say I told you, but everybody's favourite stylish llama will not be starting, amid intense speculation linking him with Real Madrid.

Who's the alternative then? Well, we've got a toss up between Sam Johnstone, who has never made a Premier League appearance, or Sergio Romero, who helped Argentina reach the World Cup final just 13 months ago. I can confirm that Romero is no relation to the bloke who used to make all those zombie films by the way. But speaking of relatively lifeless creatures who tend not to do much other than to amble around at a slow pace, Angel di Maria has left United.

I can confirm we will have a little look at him later on, but for now we must talk about Spurs. Why? Because we're 45 minutes deep and I'm not sure we've given them much of a mention. And because there's not a whole lot to say.

Remember that scene in the Wolf of Wall Street, where Di Caprio is flinging money off the boat? That was a metaphor for Daniel Levy in summer transfer windows. May not be true. But Tottenham have been nowhere near as active in this transfer window as we've come to expect from them.

They've only signed three players - and not exactly big names either. Kieran Trippier - yes the bloke who got about 50 assists for Burnley at right-back two seasons ago. Toby Alderweireld - yes the dog-named Belgian defender who spent last season at Southampton. Kevin Wimmer - yes the guy whose surname Roy Hodgson can pronounce. That's all we know about that bloke for the moment.

Could their lack of summer movement be linked to the fact that there isn't much hype around Spurs this pre-season? Undoubtedly. There's not much buzz around a top-four bid - although that will definitely be the target. Arsenal fans aren't mocking their fans for proclaiming it'll be "their year" because, well, no such predictions have been lodged. 'Whatever happens happens' seems to be Spurs' unofficial motto for the 2015-16 season and who knows? Maybe the lack of attention will serve them well this time around.

Champions League football is definitely the target but maybe, just maybe, they'll stumble on to it without specifically looking for it this time. We'd liken it to a golf ball that you've hooked into the rough and just when you're about to take a drop after calling off the search party - voila! There it is. Perhaps Tottenham need to lessen their expectations before striking gold in the form of Champions League qualification.

Team news? Anyone? We expect this in about three minutes time. What can we do kill this three minutes? We could watch a Vine of Di Maria's best bits at United over and over again, but instead let's have a song to commemorate the return of the division which is going to prompt plenty of smiles and cries over the next nine months or so.

Here come the teams folks.....

UNITED XI: Romero; Darmian, Smalling, Blind, Shaw; Carrick, Memphis, Schneiderlin; Mata, Rooney, Young

SPURS XI: Vorm, Walker, Alderweireld, Vertonghen, Davies, Bentaleb Dier, Chadli, Eriksen, Dembele, Kane

UNITED SUBS: Johnstone, Valencia, McNair, Schweinsteiger, Herrera, Pereira, Chicharito

SPURS SUBS: Lloris, Trippier, Wimmer, Alli, Carroll, Lamela, Mason

Okay, shall we start with the hosts? Why the heck not. No real surprises from Van Gaal, who goes with four of his five new signings. No sign of Schweinsteiger, who is not match fit. Romero replaces De Gea. Darmian at right-back. Schneiderlin beside Carrick in midfield and Memphis playing behind Rooney.

On to the North Londoners now and Pochettino does NOT have the luxury of including goalkeeper Hugo Lloris. We thought he might, but the Frenchman's wrist injury restricts him to a spot on the bench. Michael Vorm deputises. Alderweireld is the only new signing in the first XI, partnering compatriot Jan Vertonghen in defence. Up front, Kane leads the attack as usual.

Not sure about the Spurs bench. It's softer than Jedward assaulting you with a pillow, which doesn't bode well because if the visitors need a goal at any point - which you assume they might - it doesn't inspire confidence that they have one or two off the bench.

As opposed to United, who have an abundance of quality in reserve this afternoon it has to be said. Schweinsteiger. Valencia - providing he plays an attacking role. Herrera. Hernandez. And young Pereira, who looked very, very tidy in pre-season.

Are we ready to amble down memory lane together once more? Well we're going to. Link my arm again as we look at how both sides fared against each other last season. Link it! Good. Let's go.

So, the first meeting between these sides last term ended in a 0-0 draw at White Hart Lane. The less said about that the better. But the return fixture at Old Trafford churned out a resounding 3-0 win for the hosts. Fellaini, Carrick and Rooney were on the scoresheet there in a brilliant first-half performance that killed and buried Spurs inside 45 minutes. I had Fellaini 1st goal that day. 12/1. Hard luck Paddy Power, who shelled out at least €26 that day.

Could we see a repeat of that scoreline? Very possible, considering Spurs have an attrocious record against United. During Ferguson's tenure, the North Londoners only managed ONE win over them since 2001. One.

But they have fared better in recent years it has to be said. In fact, United have only won one in the last six meetings. Two defeats and three draws. It's worth noting that two of these games came against David Moyes-managed United and, as we know, results against him have been expunged from the record books. Basically. It's like scoring in Pro Evo when your mate's goalkeeper ambles out of his net for no reason.

Nine years on: have we finally discovered the culprit - or genius, if you're an Arsenal fan - behind the dodgy lasagne that arguably cost Spurs a Champions League place in the last game of the 2005-06 season? He would've gotten away with it too if not for those meddling photgraphers.

Recognise this chef!? @1MickyHazard cooking up a storm on the VIP trip to Old Trafford. #COYS pic.twitter.com/qJnc2fnp4c — Tottenham Hotspur (@SpursOfficial) August 8, 2015

United were 3-0 up by the break in this fixture last season, so number three in the half-time segment may be fitting if we see a repeat of that first 45 minutes.

Find out which tunes the fans will be listening to inside the Theatre of Dreams today with our #OTplaylist... pic.twitter.com/ZV07y005S5 — Manchester United (@ManUtd) August 8, 2015

PREDICTION! Shall we? Why not. We're going for a 2-1 Manchester United victory this afternoon folks. Why? We reckon Spurs will provide a bit of a scare, but the hosts should definitely have enough quality to see this one out and kick off their season with a win. Below, check out what the lads down at Sports Mole HQ have had to say on this affair.

Let's go out and about and see if we can't find other predictions to whet the appetite before kickoff.

Looks like somebody found the mini bar.

@SpursOfficial I'm in the sports bar in my hotel in Egypt... Ready for the game!! Spurs to win 3-1 Kane's first hat trick of the season 👍

— Nicola Harrold (@NiccybutNicey) August 8, 2015

This one could go close. Very close.

Anyway, Manchester United 3 Spurs 1.. My prediction

— Mbool-she (@Awesomest_04) August 8, 2015

We fancy this one as well. We mean the prediction.

@SpursOfficial Spurs comeback in the second half, Kane and Chadli scoring 1 each. Finishing 2-1! #COYS

— Jessica O'Leary-Nash (@jolearynash) August 8, 2015

So, United or Spurs or?

Prediction is that @realDonaldTrump poll numbers go up after this. Sorry, focus groupers. — Laura Ingraham (@IngrahamAngle) August 7, 2015

That's enough predictions because it's showtime. Kinda. We have about nine minutes! After waiting patiently for some three months, suddenly the 2015-16 is just minutes away! Amazing.

Plenty of noise coming from the away end over the top of the music playing inside Old Trafford. Atmosphere building. #COYS — Tottenham Hotspur (@SpursOfficial) August 8, 2015

Right, both teams are in the tunnel. Lots of sideways glances.

Thankfully, Memphis Depay has found his razor and removed those awful mutton chops that he was rocking in pre-season. Big day for him today. Big pricetag to justify but he looked a little out of sorts in pre-season. He's a much better winger than he is a number 10, but he looks poised to start there again.

KICKOFF! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand we are off. An already beautiful day is made better by the fact we kick off under an immaculate sun. Let's go.

Lots of football being played in midfield in these early stages as both sides wrestle possession back from one another in the early stages.

CHANCE! Five minutes deep and we've seen the first chance of the season - and it's for Spurs. It's a wonderful scoop ball from Kane to release Eriksen, whose headed first touch is perfect, but his subsequent shot drops on to the top of the net amid pressure from Sergio Romero. Fine move. Would've been a fine goal.

United's first meaningful attack comes to nothing as Darmian gets forward really well before fizzing a ball into the area for Rooney, but Michel Vorm plucks it out of the sky effortlessly. This has the makings of a class game.

Good play from Harry Kane as the persistent striker wrestles the ball back from Luke Shaw, before knocking it past Smalling but the ball rolls out for a goal kick. Big season for him.

SHOT! Speaking of Kane, his effort deflects wide for a corner, but had he looked up he would've seen Chadli completely free at the back post. Had he crossed instead of shot then it's probably 1-0. Fine margins.

We're 15 minutes deep in this Premier League curtain-raiser and, truth be told, Spurs are the better side. Pochettino undoubtedly the happier of both managers. United look a little sluggish.

I must say: it's only 17 minutes into Darmian's competitive debut but he looks the player that United needed at right-back last season, as opposed to Antonio Valencia. He's been really good.

Walker has Ashley Young on a really short leash so far in this 20 minutes. The United winger has spent the entire game on the periphery of the game, as have most of United's attacking players to be fair.

United move ahead but there's a huge slice of fortune involved in the goal. Lord knows where Spurs' defence is as Young plays Rooney, who looks certain to tap home, but he dithers by taking a touch and Walker comes in behind him and bundles the ball home. It's unfortunate for Spurs who have been comfortably the better team.

United 1-0 ahead despite failing to have a shot on goal. That about sums it up....

BOOKING: Vertonghen goes into the book for bringing down Mata and United have a free-kick opportunity from a very dangerous position. Stay tuned...

It's a disappointing attempt by Mata, whose free kick bounces off the face of Chadli before Spurs eventually clear the danger.

Interestingly, that was the first time in the 23-year history of the Premier League that the first goal of the season has been an own goal. It isn't quite the distinction that Kyle Walker will want to hold, is it?

CLOSE! This isn't far away at all from Mata, whose left-footed effort drifts just wide. Vorm probably had it covered.

Spurs have been a little disappointing since the goal to be fair. Obviously it's taken the wind out of their sails a little, having dominated the first 20 minutes or so, but they've been comfortably second best since falling behind.

Five minutes until the break and the tempo has died down a little in recent minutes. Memphis hasn't done much. United will want a better second half from him - and half their first XI to be fair. It's been a lethargic start to the season from them.

Memphis has been a little better in the second half of this first half, though. I expect him to be a real menace from half-time onwards. Rooney needs to do a bit more as well.

That's all she wrote in this half, folks. Kyle Walker's own goal is enough to give United a slender half-time lead. It's been nowhere near as explosive as we would've liked for a Premier League curtain raiser, but we're just glad to have it back.

Spurs' heads dropped as soon as the goal went in because, in truth, they were far and away the better team for the first 20 minutes or so. They had all of the ball and all of the chances.

The first, best and only clear-cut chance fell to Christian Eriksen, who expertly controlled Kane's scooped ball with his head before volleying over Sergio Romero but his effort landed on top of the net instead of inside it.

Anywho, join us back in a few short minutes to see if United can extend their lead en route to an opening-day win, or if Spurs can wrestle game back.

RESTART! Aaaaaaaaaaaaand we're back underway, folks. United, leading 1-0 thanks to Kyle Walker's own goal, get us underway again. Big, big half here.

Fairly cagey opening to the second half thus far. Schneiderlin looks a little shaky. He's had some good moments but some dodgy ones too and he could be a weak link for Spurs to exploit in this second half.

SHOT! It's Memphis's first shot that he got away, as he drills a left-footed effort over the bar. Vorm had it covered. Better from the Dutchman.

Walker has been very impressive today despite his own goal. He's made Ashley Young look like a sunday league winger this afternoon.

SUB: First substitution of the new season as Nabil Bentaleb makes way for Ryan Mason.

Spurs have a free kick chance as they look to drop this into the box. Foul from Blind. Stay tuned...

Good goalkeeping from Romero, who is down quick to take Eriksen's whipped cross out of the equation. Better second-half this from Spurs but they lack a little bit of a cutting edge.

SUB: Huge applause now as Bastian Schweinsteiger replaces Carrick.

I can't say I've been overly impressed by either side. Both of them look rather poor; perhaps due to early-season nerves but it doesn't bode well.

Yep, this wasn't really worth waiting for. Three months? And you's come up with this? Come on lads.

Sergio Romero has been good today. He hasn't had a whole lot to do, but he's commanded his area very well.

SUBS: So long Memphis, who saunters off the field to be replaced by Ander Herrera, while Lamela replaces Dembele for Spurs.

CHANCE! We've seen Rooney score acrobatic efforts before, but this one is poor as he looks to overhead Herrera's cross home, and, well, it's not great. It's been a poor half this.

BOOKING: Second booking for Spurs as Eric Dier goes into the book for a foul on Young, who will fizz this free kick into the box....

SHOT: Rooney curls over the bar. Just about sums up his day. 1-0 will probably be enough to win this.

SUB: United make their final sub now as Valencia replaces Matteo Darmian, who has been excellent. Man of the match for me.

SHOT! What a ball from Toby Alderweireld, who finds Eriksen as the Dane's left-footed shot from an angle is comfortably saved by Romero. It had to be, because Kane was lurking.

Juan Mata has gone down with cramp. I feel his pain. He's got it in both legs. Last time I got a cramp I cried with the pain. Lord knows how footballers don't ball their eyes out every time it happens.

SAVE! Romero punches Eriksen's fierce drive away in comfortably Spurs' best spell of the entire match. Well done Mr Romero.

BOOKING: Mata goes into the book. No complaints. Four minutes added on!

Brilliant from Mata, who shows excellent feet to keep the ball away from Kane in a really dangerous position, before passing back to Romero to clear.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand it's all over! United, courtesy of Kyle Walker's first-half own goal, get their season off to a flyer! It wasn't brilliant but it was enough for an opening-day win over Spurs. Thanks for joining us. Hopefully you've enjoyed our four-hour coverage and we'll see you next time! See ya folks.